one actor one-act comedy play

» Tratos Adulterados, the Spanish version of this sketch.

the deal

A hotel room. Shabby. Two beds against the back wall separated by night tables. A door downstage right. A window upstage left. Afternoon sunlight filters through the drawn curtains. A dressing table downstage left . Empty and half-empty bottles of whiskey and gin are strewn over it and lie across the floor. A glass or two. Full ashtrays. On one of the night tables is a half-full glass of whiskey. On the other is a telephone. Two suitcases lie on the righthand bed. Shaw lies facedown on the lefthand bed, eyes closed, a lit cigarette in one hand. There is silence apart from distant traffic noise outside the room. The cigarette burns down to his fingers. He swears, gets up and stubbs out the cigarette on the carpet under his shoe.

A comedy sketch for one actor

Shaw: Damn!

He takes a gulp of whiskey, gets up off the bed and goes towards the window. He looks out for a second, then goes down to the dressing table and takes another cigarette from the packet there. He lights it. Pause. Crossing to the telephone, he lifts it up and dials a number. Before it has time to ring, he hangs up again. He goes across to the window and looks out. The telephone rings. He goes over and after hesitating for a long moment, he picks it up.

Shaw: Hello?... Eva! Sweetness. Why have you...? ... Yes, I know, darling, but you know I don't like you to ring me here, not while I'm working... Yeah, I know. I miss you too, Sweetness... (He instinctively looks over his shoulder) I... love you too... Caramel fudge... That's because you're my little cupcake... Of course I'll do that, my little chocolate croissant... Listen, sweetness, I have to hang up. I'll be home tonight... The seven o'clock flight... I'll ring you when I get in... Bye bye, my creamy vanilla ripple icecream.

He hangs up, goes over and sits on the dressing table. He smokes. He goes to the window and looks out. He makes a decision. He goes and takes the suitcases off the bed, puts them next to the door. He takes his cigarettes off the dressing table and puts them in his pocket. He searches among the mess for his keys, finds them and puts them in his pocket. He checks his wallet. He goes over to the door. Then the telephone rings. He hesitates and then goes over and answers it.

Shaw: Hello?... Lionel! (Hiding his disappointment) How's it going, man?Yeah?... Good to hear your voice. How are things at your end? ...Yes, I know you're worried. We're working on it, man. ...No, no. The deal's still on, man. I trust this guy like my own mother. We just need a couple of days more... Eh? What? ...No, it's a bad connection. You sound like you're really far off, that's all. What did you say? ... Listen, tell you what: hang up and ring me back. It's a bad connection, that's all. No, no, no, Da... - not my connection - the telephone connection, the line... What? Da? I didn't say Da... No, no, Yes... No, not Da. Dar. I said Dar. My secretary. Her name's Daryl. Dar. (Speaks into the room) Thanks, Da! File that, will ya? We've finished with it. (Turns back to the phone) Sorry, what? (He holds the telephone slightly away from himself) I really can't hear anything, Lionel. (Shouting) I said, I can't hear anything! Ring me back.

He hangs up, gets up, goes to the dressing table and pours himself another whiskey. He lights another cigarette, realises he's already smoking one and puts them both out. He takes his whiskey across to the telephone. He's just about to dial, but returns to the dressing table and lights a cigarette. He crosses to the phone and looks at it. He decides to phone and dials a number.

Shaw: Mr Darkin? No? Could I speak to Mr Darkin, please? I'm... a colleague... business... a business colleague... Eh?... He had to call me, but I... We work together, alright?... No, you may not ask. Put Mr Darkin on, Gorilla!... Hello? Hey! Moron!... Damn!

He hangs up. Short pause and the telephone rings again. He answers it.

Shaw: Hello? Sir? ...Eva! What? ... I didn't take any tone of voice with you, Apple dumpling... It's because I'm working, Lemon drop. I've got to be hard and bad when I work... Oh, come on... Double malted milkshakes don't cry. They'd go all salty... why did you call me, my lovely licorice strip? ... Okay. I'll remember. Two bottles of fresh cream... Yes, yes, for cooking, not beating. Righty-right, my Turkish Delight. See you shortly.

He sends two kisses down the phone line. He hangs up. Pause. He dials a number.

Put me through to Mr Darkin... Yep, that's him. It's a matter of business... I told you: it's his business; it ain't yours!... Hey!...

He hangs up and looks at the phone.

Screw you!

Pause. He goes to the dressing table and pours himself another whiskey. The telephone rings. He jumps to answer it.

Darkin!... Lionel!... No, man. I said... I said it's... dark in here. Da's deaf as a post. Sweet kid, sweet, but deaf, deaf as, Dar is. (He shouts into the room) That's it! The light, Da! turn on the light!... Sorry, Lionel, where were we? ... Darkin? Who's Darkin? You mean... him? Are you crazy, mate? I don't mix with that crowd. I swear it on my mother's grave. Just you and me, boy. A clean, fast deal and we stay clear of the sharks, know what I'm saying? ... Ah, There may've been a few holdups in the finance department. You know what I mean? ... No, relax! ... Lionel... Lionel, you are my friend. I'm not going to pull a fast one. You'll get your money, I promise. Just two days. Youi've just got to give me... Where? Here... where would I be if I wasn't... ? You did WHAT...? Don't you trust me? what were you thinking of, sending your boys over... ? Geez, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard... You're really wrong... It's Webster Avenue, not Webber. And it isn't one, twenty-three, it's one hundred and twenty, floor three... Lionel, you should trust me... We're partners in this. I feel very wounded by your action... Hey, wait a minute, Lionel. I've got someone on the other line. Don't hang up. I'll be right back.

He hangs up. Smokes. Paces a little. He picks up the phone and dials again.

Don't hang up! Listen, I've got to speak to Mr Darkin. Please... it's important. Tell him it's Shaw. S-H-A-W. 4931 0268. Have you got it? 4-9-3-1-0-2-6-8. Who called you "gorilla"?... Nobody. I said... "thriller". I'm in a video shop. I want a thriller, a real thriller. I'm sick of all these insipid comedies and boring dramas... Would that be any way to speak to people? Please, just ask Mr Darkin to to call me... Thanks.

He hangs up.

Primate!

He goes to the dressing table and searches for a cigarette. He can't find them. He begins to turn the room upside down. Eventually he realises they are in his pocket. He lights a cigarette. He begins to pace.

Shaw: Mr Darkin, you sir, are a businessman... and so am I. We work with facts... we speculate and take calculated risks. We work for rewards, significant returns. We wager hard and we're used to winning... But not everyone's like us. Some people, well, their ships just don't come in. They make bad decisions... that affect us... that affect us all... that force us to adapt our carefully laid plans... And that is what is happening right now. So I'm going to be straight with you, Sir, from one businessman to another... I'm going to have to ask you for a small advance... a.... a gentlemen's agreement... No.

Pause.

It's like this, Darkin: you get your product. You must be satisfied or I'd have heard complaints before now. But we need a few returns... now... A portion of the proceeds. If you don't like it, the deal's off...

The telephone rings. Shaw leaps to answer it.

Yes? ... Sorry, Lionel, friend. We got cut off. We just changed the telephone system in the office. This new technology is pain... Lionel, relax! Have I ever given you any reason not to trust me? ... Hombre, you don't have to take that tone with me ... Geez, man! Don't shout at me! I'll get you your damn money! You've just got to wait two days, I told you already! ... Are you trying to scare me? Don't take that tone with me, SoB ... or... or you'll be sorry!

Pause.

Calm down! Calm down and put all your bits back where they belong... I can't believe it! ... You, what? Is that what you call trust, Lionel? ... Does it sound to you like I'm in a tacky hotel? (Shouts into the room) Daryl, I told you: the new computers have to go upstairs to the communications centre, not downstairs to Accounting! ... (Once again speaking into the phone) Sorry, Lionel. The line seems to be crossed... Course you can come and see me whenever you want... No, not at the hotel. I'm not in a hotel. No... Webster Avenue, a hundred, floor twenty-three... No? ... Well, maybe it's Webster Street... Webster Avenue must be our other office. Listen, don't call me again. I'll be in contact with you in two days time. Trust me, my friend.

He hangs up. He takes a shot of whiskey and goes over to the suitcases and locks them. He goes to the dressing table, picks up tobacco, checks he has his keys, wallet, etc. He returns to the suitcases, maybe stashing the remaining whiskey in a suitcase pocket. He opens the door. The phone rings. He hesitates, then he slams the door, goes over and picks up the phone.

I told ya, ya SoB, not to ring me back! ...Darkin! Mr... Mr Darkin! I'm sorry. No sir, that was not for your ears to hear, Sir. I really do not speak like that to anyone. Truly. A special circumstance. May the Lord Almighty carry away my poor sick mother if I have ever said anything against you. That's not my style... It is extremely courteous of you to call, Sir. ... Sir, we really have to talk... You know?... We need to talk about something quite important ... It's that, Sir... we made a deal... when we negociated things, there were... oh no, Mr Darkin, I'm very satisfied with our business, and to be working next to such an emminent professional like yourself, Sir... Yes, I do realise the risk, Sir. I know we said... Yes, that we shouldn't be in contact any more, especially by phone, but, you know, we need to talk. ...Well, yes, Sir. Everything's going well - almost. No real problems, apart from... no, but wait, Mr Darkin! ... Mr Darkin!... Damn!

He hangs up.

Damn... Damn. Damn. Damn.

He has another shot of whiskey, stands up, staggers and sits abruptly down again. The telephone rings. He picks it up.

You didn't give me time to finish Mr Darkin... there is a... Eva!... P... Pudding! Rice Pudding... Wh... What? Yeah, yeah. I love you too, my Custard Cream... but listen, Strawberry Bubblegum, you've really got to let me work. If you don't I'll never get home... Whipped... Cream... No, no, I won't forget. I told you already. What is it, Fudge Droplet? Was there anything else? ... What?... Okay. Another packet of pasta... I'll buy it... the spiral kind... Yeah, yeah, I know it... three different colours... I know that type... Okay... What, are you very hungry, Cinnamin Roll? ... Oh yes? ... A guest? ... Who? ... Bastard! ... But how did he find out where...? I don't understand. Put him on... Sardine! Put him on! Put him on the line this instant! ... No. Not you... I didn't call you a sardine, my... my Dairyfood... Delight... Lowfat... caramel-flavoured... onion surpri... No! Don't listen to me... I'm like that when I'm working... I'm still working... Of course I'm not on the plane, you Wheatbread Cracker! I mean... Why are you crying my... dried... tomato? ... Put him on the line... Why not? Stop driveling for a second, you sacharine-sweetened merengue Tart and put him on the line! ... I don't care whether he doesn't want to! Put him on! ... Money? What money? ... That's not your concern... Smoked schnapper! You paid him? With what?... But that was for the rent... the shopping... little Billy's birthday gift... No... No, I can't believe it... what?... Of course I love you, Rump Steak!... (Aside) And I wanted to nuy him one of those tricycles with the Manga pictures on them... They're fab... Darling? Listen... (Pause) Give Billy a big kiss from me, but don't wake him up... I might be a little late tonight... Work problems... I really don't know if I'll be home for dinner... hard to make it... I'll call you, my... Tinned Pears in Syrup...

He hangs up. He start walking around the room. More whiskey. He goes to pick up the telephone, but thinks twice. Then he picks it up and dials. He hangs up. More whiskey. He goes over and looks out of the window. The telephone rings. He goes to it, picks it up.

Hello?... Mr Darkin... Yes, Sir. Thank you for calling... It's a question of money. you have your product, Mr Darkin. Now, I need... What? Are you sure?... Impossible! Impossible. I don't handle defective products... Are you certain?... No, I didn't mean to imply... I don't doubt you, Sir, but... Wait a moment. Don't go away...

He puts the phone down without hanging up. He goes over to the suitcases. He lifts one onto the bed and opens it. It is full of garishly coloured teddy bears. He picks one up. It has five paws. He goes back to the phone.

Well, yes, Sir... I do understand your point of view, Mr Darkin. It appears that there are some superficial defects. However, I would not say that they were irreversible... Wait a moment, Sir...

He tries to wrench off a paw and finally, after much effort, manages to do so. A bit of stuffing falls to the floor.

You should understand, Sir, that it isn't a serious problem... Very easy to rectify the situation without too much effort... Please trust me, Sir... As far as the money is concerned, Sir... But Mr Darkin... Mr Darkin... Couldn't you...? ... What? Now? ... Your... man?... But how did you know...?

There is a knock at the door.

Uh... Somebody's at... Yes, it must be him... but Mr Darkin, the money... Mr Darkin?

He hangs up. there is a second knock at the door. He goes to the suitcases. He closes the one on the bed. He opens the door. He gives both suitcases to the person outside. (Takes out the whiskey beforehand?)

What?... Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, yes. I'd forgotten.

He goes over and picks up the teddy bear he had in his hands earlier. He passes it to the person outside along with the bear's leg.

I'm sorry.

He closes the door. He begins to walk around the room. He smokes and drinks. The telephone rings. He halts and looks at it. He goes over and sits before it and observes it with concentration.the telephone continues to ring. Shaw continues to drink and smoke while watching the phone. Fade out.